Who Am I?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night - someone I hadn't actually spoken to in over 30 years. I commented that, "You don't know me at all anymore. We haven't known each other since we were practically children." The immediate response was, "So, who are you? Tell me about yourself now."

I started to think about that and realized that it's a tough question for me. My life, for many years, has been mostly consumed and defined by husband, children, work, and ministry. Lots of fun, very rewarding, very busy, and extremely easy to avoid even thinking about my true, inner self - the Debbie that nobody but me and God know. But now, the husband is gone, the kids are grown, and lots of ministry has been put on hold. That leaves me with work, a fair amount of baggage, and the time to analyze and ponder that baggage. I've done an endless amount of pondering. But when asked to describe myself, I didn't come up with much right away. I was trying to avoid describing myself in terms of my relationship to someone else - you know, Paul's wife, mom to four girls, Grammy to eight, etc. Don't misunderstand me. I was content to be Paul's wife and am honored and privileged to be the daughter, mother, sister, Grammy, and friend that I am. But I exist outside of these precious relationships. Maybe I even have hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. that belong only to me. So, because I am curious, I'm going to give it a try.

Will the real Debbie Brown please step forward?

I like to think that, first and foremost, I am a Christian - a follower of Jesus. Considering that is what I think of first, I realize that it is also what I struggle with the most. I won't belabor the point - previous posts speak to some of my struggles. However, it would be accurate to say that I am continually aware of my shortcomings and often feel frustrated with my lack of discipline, faith, and trust.

I fiercely love my family!

I love to read. I am particularly fond of murder mysteries but I try to limit myself because they really have no redeeming value. And I love the Die Hard movies.

I have bitten my fingernails for 50 years. Safe to say, I'm never gonna quit.

I love music! I wish I had some musical ability but that only exists when I'm driving alone and can belt it out for no one to hear. Love praise music. Love the Eagles, Loggins & Messina, CSNY, Simon & Garfunkel.

I daydream about traveling in a tiny little motorhome but for the most part, I'm really a homebody.

I wish I was a writer. A legit one.

I used to think I knew it all. Now, I realize, I know less than I ever imagined.

I frequently (if not always) give unasked for and/or unwanted advice. I also seem to feel that it is my duty to share with someone the worst case scenario of whatever is going on with them. "Debbie Downer" is my nickname.

I love Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, Rollos, Goldfish crackers, Mrs. Richardson's caramel sauce, Snickers Bars, and Pinot Grigio. I also love broccoli. I can live without beef.

I hate wearing a bra, have hated it from the beginning, will hate it until the day I die or until I give them up for lent, whichever comes first.

I enjoy sewing. And I enjoy that I have passed on that passion to some of my girls, all of whom are creative in various ways.

I'm task oriented, driven to be productive before I allow myself the freedom to just sit.

I love animals and hate to see them hurt or suffering. I'm probably nicer to animals than I am to people.

I love living in the country. Love the peacefulness, the solitude, the beauty, and the lack of CC & Rs.

I tend to take responsibility and blame for everything that is wrong in the lives of those I love.

I love to watch sunsets. While I appreciate a beautiful sunrise, I prefer not to be awake then. I am definitely a night owl.

I have a seriously bad nighttime snacking habit.

I tend to push myself to keep going, no matter what is going on around me.

I'm not a big drama-queen. In fact, I get uncomfortable showing too much emotion. I'm a little uptight.

I am not comfortable or at peace with my body.

I hate to exercise, hate to sweat, hate to breathe hard. I also hate yard work.

I love to sit in front of a fire in the dark and just talk.

I am a peacemaker and very uncomfortable with conflict.

I can't dance. But I can keep a hula-hoop going like nobody's business.

I have a problem with guilt. I still feel guilty for stuff I did as a teenager. Consequently, since I have stored up guilt for many, many years, I often miss the joy of God's forgiveness.

I wish I were stylish but I love tie dye.

So, enough of this little jaunt into my psyche. Maybe it's good for me to take a look at myself now and again. So much in my life has changed and at times, I feel a little lost and uncertain. Gratefully, God keeps walking alongside me as I bumble along. I may not know exactly who I am but my Creator does.

Oh, and I wish I could draw or paint or something beautiful like that.

One More Tucson Post

It was hard to believe it when we finally pulled up to Tammera's house. The trip there, while having some fun moments, had seemed endless. There were hugs all around, a family we hadn't seen in almost 9 months, and lots of catching up to do. Callan, Tammera's youngest, had been just a newborn the last time I'd seen him.

I was thrilled that he wasn't scared to death of me! And Audrey and Asher were happy and sweet as usual.

We spent four full days with the Chans and though it seemed short, it was a precious time. One of the things that we enjoy is sewing together. I was honored to have been able to teach my girls to sew and we used to have whole days where we would sew and craft and chat (and eat and drink) together. Tammera has missed that. So she saved a project for us and we were able to spend one whole day doing just that - sewing, eating, talking and sharing. Eli graciously took the kids for most of the day so that we could spread out. Tammera wanted to make curtains for her dining room. Melissa and I had hauled our sewing machines all the way to Tucson and we had our own projects to work on. We loved the fabric Tammera had picked out for her curtains but it took us a while to get it cut just right. See how perfectly the pattern lines up?

The Chans had a brand new kitten named Gandolf and he was pesty and entertaining. He will grow up to be very tolerant since Asher has a tendency to carry him around by his neck.

Tammera took us to a fabric store one day. If you know any of us, you know that we stockpile fabric. I certainly don't need anymore yet I am always on the lookout for a beautiful piece at a great price. We had such fun together. I loved watching Melissa and Tammera. When they were younger, they fought and got mad at each other but loved each other too. Now that they're all grown up, there is no more fighting, just loving. Every time we left the house they insisted that they get a "Concrete Mixer" (some sort of ice cream thing) before we returned home, even if we were going to have dinner right away. I couldn't change their minds. Tammera's logic was that she could eat a Mixer, then would feel bad herself, then would be motivated to do her Insanity workout. Melissa blamed it on the fact that it was Monsoon season and she was afraid of the storms. Whatever the excuses, both girls enjoyed a plentiful supply of ice cream, another sweet memory made.

It was very hot the week we were in Tucson so going outside with the kids was not really an option until the last day we were there. Tammera and Eli took us up to Mt. Lemmon. We had to take two cars to get us all there and Eli was so sweet and let us girls ride in my car while he took the kids in their car. It took us about an hour to get there but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day. Because Mt. Lemmon is at such a higher elevation, it was nice and cool. We went on a little hike, the kids played in the creek, we had a picnic, and ended the day at the Cookie Cabin. It was wonderful!

This is how Callan hiked!

And here's how Melissa hiked - arms up so nature wouldn't touch her!

And finally, the Cookie Cabin!

The kids were worn out but happy. We all reluctantly left the coolness of the mountain and headed home. The girls and I made a detour and did a little shopping, mostly for Melissa. We met the nicest sales woman who pulled up a $50 coupon on her phone for Mel! We spent our last evening together watching a "Friends" marathon. Long after Eli and the kids were in bed, we stayed up, not wanting our time together to end. As we watched the final episode of "Friends", both girls were crying and even I (reputed to be a hard-ass), had a tear in my eye. Weeks after I got home, I watched some "Friends" but found that it just wasn't the same. I needed my girls with me to make it work.

We left the next morning for our 2 day drive home. We had a few adventures like getting caught in a huge, blinding rainstorm, some lone stoner guy trying to pick up Melissa at the hotel hot tub, and wandering around looking for a place called The Fruit Depot (supposedly the biggest fruit stand in California). It didn't turn out to be much but we both felt compelled to buy something since we had spent an hour looking for it.

I've already forgotten a lot of the things we did on the trip but I haven't forgotten the feeling of family being together. Melissa and Donny are in the process of an adoption right now and so that has been foremost in our minds. I realized that God, in His graciousness, has shown us multiple kinds of adoption. Of course, most importantly, we are adopted as His children through His Son's sacrifice. Donny and Melissa hope to provide a home for a baby that someone else is unable to care for. And many years ago, God brought Tammera into our lives and because of that, I now have a lovely 4th daughter, son-in-law, and three more grandkids. I can't really even remember being without Tammera. And though I didn't birth her and we aren't related by blood, strange similarities abound. Both Asher and Felicity, Jenny's daughter, were diagnosed with hypotonia and it affected their speech. Both Asher and Kian, Jen's 3rd, are very small for their age. Logan, Jenny's oldest, and Callan and Asher suffered extreme constipation as infants. All four of my daughters are creative. We've all had trouble at times with sleeping. All that to say, I don't think of Tammera differently than the others and I often forget that she, technically, sprung from someone else. She's mine and always will be and her family is now mine as well. Melissa and Donny have been warned that adopted children can have bonding issues. I know that is true but I know we also have a great God who can accomplish anything He chooses to. He will bond their adopted child to them just like He bonded Tammera so completely into our family that Melissa and I risked four days in the car together to see them.