Who Am I?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night - someone I hadn't actually spoken to in over 30 years. I commented that, "You don't know me at all anymore. We haven't known each other since we were practically children." The immediate response was, "So, who are you? Tell me about yourself now."

I started to think about that and realized that it's a tough question for me. My life, for many years, has been mostly consumed and defined by husband, children, work, and ministry. Lots of fun, very rewarding, very busy, and extremely easy to avoid even thinking about my true, inner self - the Debbie that nobody but me and God know. But now, the husband is gone, the kids are grown, and lots of ministry has been put on hold. That leaves me with work, a fair amount of baggage, and the time to analyze and ponder that baggage. I've done an endless amount of pondering. But when asked to describe myself, I didn't come up with much right away. I was trying to avoid describing myself in terms of my relationship to someone else - you know, Paul's wife, mom to four girls, Grammy to eight, etc. Don't misunderstand me. I was content to be Paul's wife and am honored and privileged to be the daughter, mother, sister, Grammy, and friend that I am. But I exist outside of these precious relationships. Maybe I even have hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. that belong only to me. So, because I am curious, I'm going to give it a try.

Will the real Debbie Brown please step forward?

I like to think that, first and foremost, I am a Christian - a follower of Jesus. Considering that is what I think of first, I realize that it is also what I struggle with the most. I won't belabor the point - previous posts speak to some of my struggles. However, it would be accurate to say that I am continually aware of my shortcomings and often feel frustrated with my lack of discipline, faith, and trust.

I fiercely love my family!

I love to read. I am particularly fond of murder mysteries but I try to limit myself because they really have no redeeming value. And I love the Die Hard movies.

I have bitten my fingernails for 50 years. Safe to say, I'm never gonna quit.

I love music! I wish I had some musical ability but that only exists when I'm driving alone and can belt it out for no one to hear. Love praise music. Love the Eagles, Loggins & Messina, CSNY, Simon & Garfunkel.

I daydream about traveling in a tiny little motorhome but for the most part, I'm really a homebody.

I wish I was a writer. A legit one.

I used to think I knew it all. Now, I realize, I know less than I ever imagined.

I frequently (if not always) give unasked for and/or unwanted advice. I also seem to feel that it is my duty to share with someone the worst case scenario of whatever is going on with them. "Debbie Downer" is my nickname.

I love Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, Rollos, Goldfish crackers, Mrs. Richardson's caramel sauce, Snickers Bars, and Pinot Grigio. I also love broccoli. I can live without beef.

I hate wearing a bra, have hated it from the beginning, will hate it until the day I die or until I give them up for lent, whichever comes first.

I enjoy sewing. And I enjoy that I have passed on that passion to some of my girls, all of whom are creative in various ways.

I'm task oriented, driven to be productive before I allow myself the freedom to just sit.

I love animals and hate to see them hurt or suffering. I'm probably nicer to animals than I am to people.

I love living in the country. Love the peacefulness, the solitude, the beauty, and the lack of CC & Rs.

I tend to take responsibility and blame for everything that is wrong in the lives of those I love.

I love to watch sunsets. While I appreciate a beautiful sunrise, I prefer not to be awake then. I am definitely a night owl.

I have a seriously bad nighttime snacking habit.

I tend to push myself to keep going, no matter what is going on around me.

I'm not a big drama-queen. In fact, I get uncomfortable showing too much emotion. I'm a little uptight.

I am not comfortable or at peace with my body.

I hate to exercise, hate to sweat, hate to breathe hard. I also hate yard work.

I love to sit in front of a fire in the dark and just talk.

I am a peacemaker and very uncomfortable with conflict.

I can't dance. But I can keep a hula-hoop going like nobody's business.

I have a problem with guilt. I still feel guilty for stuff I did as a teenager. Consequently, since I have stored up guilt for many, many years, I often miss the joy of God's forgiveness.

I wish I were stylish but I love tie dye.

So, enough of this little jaunt into my psyche. Maybe it's good for me to take a look at myself now and again. So much in my life has changed and at times, I feel a little lost and uncertain. Gratefully, God keeps walking alongside me as I bumble along. I may not know exactly who I am but my Creator does.

Oh, and I wish I could draw or paint or something beautiful like that.