I've been sick for almost the whole month of December. Maybe that's it - my excuse for how I'm feeling. Or maybe just because the holidays are still a little hard, now that our family dynamics have changed - Paul gone, my mom too. I want to find some freedom from the burdens that I'm carrying but I can't. For reasons I don't understand I have lost faith to some degree. I didn't recognize it for a long time. But I realize that I have taken on so much anxiety and am assuming so much responsibility for so many things. I've always had that tendency but I had been working hard on that issue. I thought I was doing pretty well. Maybe that's my excuse - I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep it all together, trying to put on a happy face, trying to pretend that it's all good. But there is no excuse. I know that. When I get anxious that means that I am trying to play God, plain and simple. I am not accepting the circumstances that He has allowed in my life. I am not believing that He knows best. I am not claiming what is mine as a child of the King. God, forgive me.
How long have I been procrastinating? How many nights have I watched T.V. until I could no longer keep my eyes open just so I could avoid talking to God about my fears? Again, it didn't feel like a conscience choice. I didn't see what I was doing. And maybe this makes no sense because you haven't avoided God. But I have. Thankfully, God is pointing that out to me. And I am ashamed.
James 1:6-8
"But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
There are some things that I don't pray about very often and yet they are huge, personal heartaches. They are on my mind almost constantly. So why don't I pray about them constantly? I think because, if I am honest, I don't really believe God is going to change anything. I acknowledge that God could change them, but doubt that He will. Why? The Bible tells me that God longs to bless me. Me! In spite of all my weaknesses, my unspoken doubts and fears, because He loves me, He wants to bless me. Why can't I accept that fully? It's as if I think I still have to pay for my sins. Again - playing God. God wants to favor me but I have to trust Him to do it. I can't do it myself.
Instead of avoiding God because I am doubting, I need to run to Him and confess. I need to remember that I can bring anything to Him without fear, even my weak faith. And it is God, Himself, who will strengthen my faith. I cannot force my faith to grow merely by my own willpower. I am such a slow learner. I know this stuff. And then I set aside what I know. I think that's why I write about it. Not only does it help clarify for me what I'm thinking but it serves as a reminder of what God is teaching me. I'll need reminders often.
So now what? No fireworks going off. No radical, overnight change. I am, though, reassured. God knows me, He chose me, and He will never leave me. He always listens to me and is surprised by nothing. He will lift me out of this dark little hole that I've crawled into if only I ask.
Psalm 34:4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 62:5-6
"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken."
Mmmmmm..........
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